I Am The Walrus

It's been over a year. Things have changed, yet are still completely the same.

Medication traps you. It makes you feel like your emotions are trapped in a box. You're only allowed to feel so much of any one emotion.

Nothing is real.

I've tried for so many days to feel something, anything.I tried my playlists. Pretending is even more difficult to do because I just don't care to do it.

Emptiness.

Void.

The good news is suicide hasn't really been a problem. You apparently have to care enough to want to do it and I just don't.

These are just rambling thoughts. I don't expect any of it to make sense.

The more secluded I get, the worse I get. I can't even have conversations with people without them coming out....wrong. They feel forced.

It almost makes me chuckle when I notice who doesn't even notice the change in me or the ones that know I'm going through a rough time, but still don't actually care. My favorite has been "I care about you. Oh hey, check out all these board games I bought!" Really? Do you really think I give a fuck about your games? Or about how you're going to Atlanta for another weekend to play games all weekend and then complain about how often your pregnant wife calls you to yell at you? Here's a thought, don't go to Atlanta all the freaking time you moron,

Idiots.

Worthless. Completely worthless. Unappreciated. Far from special.

What does a woman want to feel? Cherished. Loved. Treasured. Strong.

Don't get me wrong. I've been given compliments that would imply any of those things. Words mean things. So do actions. The closest I've come to feeling anything is when my best friend sent me a picture of cuddling. Sometimes there's nothing that can be said. Sometimes there's nothing that can be done.